/dev/heart

In middle school I was a pretty depressed kid. I know it might sound rediculous. I had a group of close friends, but I was very introverted, and I was pretty lonely. I was inside my own little world, and I used poetry to express myself. I sort of lost my poetry somewhere along the way. It happened after I started dating my first girlfriend. I miss it. I don’t miss the depression or the loneliness ( I definitely don’t miss that ), but I do miss my poetry. Maybe someday I’ll be able to rediscover it and recapture it. I think I’d like that. Yes, I think I’d like that very much.

This morning I got the news. My grandma died last night at around 2am. She went into the hospital the night before, and the doctors didn’t think she’d make 24 hours. She made it 27. Cancer is a hell of a sickness. But of course we all knew it was coming. You can’t smoke for 50+ years and expect a happy ending…

Luckily one of my friends was gracious enough to come stay with me last night, and I am so grateful to her. I think last night would have gone a lot worse if I was alone. So kudos to her :]

Now comes the difficult task of adjusting to a life bereft of someone important to me. I know that the upcoming holidays are going to be the hardest, because for as long as I can remember, she’s been there; Making a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, meting out advice and chastisement in equal measures, and just being my little old grandma. It’s going to be hard but I know I can do it. I’m glad that she has passed beyond the pain and won’t have to suffer any more. I’m going to be strong for my family, my friends, and especially for myself. Ganbarimasu!

I have recently realized just how big a part of my life music has become. I use music to help regulate my mood. Is that odd? I use it to relax. I use it to get me excited or pumped up for something. I use it to help me study. When I am cut off from my music I get a little depressed. It’s not that I can’t handle silence. In fact sometimes I love to just sit and listen to the wind or the ocean or the pasture grass back home. But music is like food for my soul. It keeps me going, makes the clock tick. I love so many types of music. I love the rhythmic undulations of techno, the quirkyness of indie rock, the power in heavy rock or metal, the melodies and emotion in classical. I really want to learn to play classical piano, but I’ve been lazy. Maybe I just need a teacher. I’m going to try to make it happen at some point, it’s a life goal of mine.

Why is it that those closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most? Sometimes you don’t even realize how much someone’s support means until they rip it away and send you staggering. It just goes to show that sometimes the status quo isn’t a nice balance, but rather a precarious one at the edge of an abyssal cliff. I didn’t realize how low the depths I could fall to, because of such simple words…

My room is now a quite striking shade of green. It’s almost overwhelming with the room empty. I painted my room today; Gecko Green. I’ve been trying to fix my room up since I came to Pullman this year, but I didn’t get around to it until now. I’m also installing carpet over the cement floor, so now my room will be more of a room and less of a dungeon. I wanted a bright color and the green worked out nicely. I might have to add some accents though so that it doesn’t throw people into shock when they step into my room. I’m quite the gecko myself, covered in green paint spatterings. Next step after carpet is building shelves and then throwing together an entertainment center from some plywood I bought last week. Things are shaping up, and it’s making me happy.

Here’s my eternal problem: insomnia. The inability to sleep. I find myself awake in the longest hours of the night, and I constantly ask myself, why? Why am I up so late when I know I have things to do tomorrow. Why do I waste away the hours on the internet, while adding nothing to the net sum of universe. I could use this time to study, to finish homework, to read the endless pages of material I am instructed to. But of course, I never seem to get around to doing that. Instead, I sit here and do things like make this blog. I don’t really need another blog. I’m sure that I’ll neglect this one as much as I have my past blogs. But there it is, and here I am.

This lack of sleep I fear is never-ending. Sorry that was my moment to play on the lyrics of one of my favorite bands; Linkin Park. It seems that despite the fact that my body would love for me to get 8-10 hours of sleep each night, it has learned to survive on 5-6. However, I feel that it is only a matter of time until my body rebels, and decides to just not wake up. Of course, that will be the day that I have an important assignment due or a test to take. So before this happens, and believe me it’s happened before, I’m going to make a studious effort to go to sleep earlier and get more rest. My body needs it. My mind needs it. And my sanity needs it.