/dev/heart

With the annual technical career fair just over, and everybody talking about internships and graduating, I’ve had a lot on my mind recently. I really need to make an internship happen this summer. But if I do an internship I might not be able to finish school on schedule and end up being here another year. Ugh. I need to get work experience. I’m afraid if I don’t get on the ball and make sure these things happen, It’s going to be hard to get a good job when I graduate. And then there is the matter of graduate school. I would really like to go and earn a Master’s Degree, but that will prolong school even further, and keep me out of industry where I can be making money and get my life going. I suppose that with a Masters I will be more marketable, so it’s not a bad idea. All of this and more is flying through my head as I try to figure out what I want to do and how I am going to get from where I am now to where I want to be in the future. So, I’m just going to say nankurunaisa and take it one day at a time. Things will work out somehow <3

There is something comforting in the touch of another person. Skin to skin contact. The sound of another person’s heartbeat. The warmth of another living body. I find these things to be very comforting. I like to snuggle and burrow as if I can take that warmth and wrap it around me like a blanket. And the smell. The intoxicating scent. These things feed an inner need that lays dormant and forgotten until I rediscover it. I suppose there are others like me. After all humans are social creatures, and I think many of us crave that connection with another person.

In middle school I was a pretty depressed kid. I know it might sound rediculous. I had a group of close friends, but I was very introverted, and I was pretty lonely. I was inside my own little world, and I used poetry to express myself. I sort of lost my poetry somewhere along the way. It happened after I started dating my first girlfriend. I miss it. I don’t miss the depression or the loneliness ( I definitely don’t miss that ), but I do miss my poetry. Maybe someday I’ll be able to rediscover it and recapture it. I think I’d like that. Yes, I think I’d like that very much.

This morning I got the news. My grandma died last night at around 2am. She went into the hospital the night before, and the doctors didn’t think she’d make 24 hours. She made it 27. Cancer is a hell of a sickness. But of course we all knew it was coming. You can’t smoke for 50+ years and expect a happy ending…

Luckily one of my friends was gracious enough to come stay with me last night, and I am so grateful to her. I think last night would have gone a lot worse if I was alone. So kudos to her :]

Now comes the difficult task of adjusting to a life bereft of someone important to me. I know that the upcoming holidays are going to be the hardest, because for as long as I can remember, she’s been there; Making a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, meting out advice and chastisement in equal measures, and just being my little old grandma. It’s going to be hard but I know I can do it. I’m glad that she has passed beyond the pain and won’t have to suffer any more. I’m going to be strong for my family, my friends, and especially for myself. Ganbarimasu!

I have recently realized just how big a part of my life music has become. I use music to help regulate my mood. Is that odd? I use it to relax. I use it to get me excited or pumped up for something. I use it to help me study. When I am cut off from my music I get a little depressed. It’s not that I can’t handle silence. In fact sometimes I love to just sit and listen to the wind or the ocean or the pasture grass back home. But music is like food for my soul. It keeps me going, makes the clock tick. I love so many types of music. I love the rhythmic undulations of techno, the quirkyness of indie rock, the power in heavy rock or metal, the melodies and emotion in classical. I really want to learn to play classical piano, but I’ve been lazy. Maybe I just need a teacher. I’m going to try to make it happen at some point, it’s a life goal of mine.

Why is it that those closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most? Sometimes you don’t even realize how much someone’s support means until they rip it away and send you staggering. It just goes to show that sometimes the status quo isn’t a nice balance, but rather a precarious one at the edge of an abyssal cliff. I didn’t realize how low the depths I could fall to, because of such simple words…

Here’s my eternal problem: insomnia. The inability to sleep. I find myself awake in the longest hours of the night, and I constantly ask myself, why? Why am I up so late when I know I have things to do tomorrow. Why do I waste away the hours on the internet, while adding nothing to the net sum of universe. I could use this time to study, to finish homework, to read the endless pages of material I am instructed to. But of course, I never seem to get around to doing that. Instead, I sit here and do things like make this blog. I don’t really need another blog. I’m sure that I’ll neglect this one as much as I have my past blogs. But there it is, and here I am.

This lack of sleep I fear is never-ending. Sorry that was my moment to play on the lyrics of one of my favorite bands; Linkin Park. It seems that despite the fact that my body would love for me to get 8-10 hours of sleep each night, it has learned to survive on 5-6. However, I feel that it is only a matter of time until my body rebels, and decides to just not wake up. Of course, that will be the day that I have an important assignment due or a test to take. So before this happens, and believe me it’s happened before, I’m going to make a studious effort to go to sleep earlier and get more rest. My body needs it. My mind needs it. And my sanity needs it.