/dev/heart

I will this missive unto you bestow
mine heart will always weep should you be gone
whose anguish does cause me in sleep to row
yet be at peace while I to you belong

your scent is sweet just as it’s lavender
it’s heady fumes do me intoxicate
to dark and naughty thoughts you do me spur
and lay you down and slow luxuriate

my life to you I give without a doubt
my love devotion and my soul please take
and keep them safe against the night’s ill clout
so I may next to you this morning wake

these words I do in truth and meaning pen
for I without you fear my life should end

Jewels are your eyes, a grace
Green emeralds fair light your face
A merry twinkle forever fixed
A smile always upon your lips
I love you

So many words fill
my head like bees
they swarm round
and round
and round

and each time I…
I hold them in
on elastics
they can’t leave

they anger
and sting
eager for that sweet
sweet release

dare I let them
out of me?

I fear the thought
the words
the questions
the rejections

so I sit content
to hear the buzz
and wait for that
that fateful day
for sweet release

So I’ve discovered this group of people on the internet. They call themselves the Nerdfighters. It’s basically a group of interesting, smart, nerdy (NOT A BAD THING!) people that like to have intelligent conversations and want to have a connection with others like them. It’s a pretty cool thing in my opinion. Especially since it helps the younger people who feel different or who don’t fit into the “popular” crowd. I had a group of friends when I was growing up who were like me, but sometimes that’s not available. Anyways it’s sort of fun and silly and I’m enjoying hanging out and talking to these people. Nerdfighters!

With the annual technical career fair just over, and everybody talking about internships and graduating, I’ve had a lot on my mind recently. I really need to make an internship happen this summer. But if I do an internship I might not be able to finish school on schedule and end up being here another year. Ugh. I need to get work experience. I’m afraid if I don’t get on the ball and make sure these things happen, It’s going to be hard to get a good job when I graduate. And then there is the matter of graduate school. I would really like to go and earn a Master’s Degree, but that will prolong school even further, and keep me out of industry where I can be making money and get my life going. I suppose that with a Masters I will be more marketable, so it’s not a bad idea. All of this and more is flying through my head as I try to figure out what I want to do and how I am going to get from where I am now to where I want to be in the future. So, I’m just going to say nankurunaisa and take it one day at a time. Things will work out somehow <3

There is something comforting in the touch of another person. Skin to skin contact. The sound of another person’s heartbeat. The warmth of another living body. I find these things to be very comforting. I like to snuggle and burrow as if I can take that warmth and wrap it around me like a blanket. And the smell. The intoxicating scent. These things feed an inner need that lays dormant and forgotten until I rediscover it. I suppose there are others like me. After all humans are social creatures, and I think many of us crave that connection with another person.

In middle school I was a pretty depressed kid. I know it might sound rediculous. I had a group of close friends, but I was very introverted, and I was pretty lonely. I was inside my own little world, and I used poetry to express myself. I sort of lost my poetry somewhere along the way. It happened after I started dating my first girlfriend. I miss it. I don’t miss the depression or the loneliness ( I definitely don’t miss that ), but I do miss my poetry. Maybe someday I’ll be able to rediscover it and recapture it. I think I’d like that. Yes, I think I’d like that very much.

This morning I got the news. My grandma died last night at around 2am. She went into the hospital the night before, and the doctors didn’t think she’d make 24 hours. She made it 27. Cancer is a hell of a sickness. But of course we all knew it was coming. You can’t smoke for 50+ years and expect a happy ending…

Luckily one of my friends was gracious enough to come stay with me last night, and I am so grateful to her. I think last night would have gone a lot worse if I was alone. So kudos to her :]

Now comes the difficult task of adjusting to a life bereft of someone important to me. I know that the upcoming holidays are going to be the hardest, because for as long as I can remember, she’s been there; Making a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, meting out advice and chastisement in equal measures, and just being my little old grandma. It’s going to be hard but I know I can do it. I’m glad that she has passed beyond the pain and won’t have to suffer any more. I’m going to be strong for my family, my friends, and especially for myself. Ganbarimasu!

I have recently realized just how big a part of my life music has become. I use music to help regulate my mood. Is that odd? I use it to relax. I use it to get me excited or pumped up for something. I use it to help me study. When I am cut off from my music I get a little depressed. It’s not that I can’t handle silence. In fact sometimes I love to just sit and listen to the wind or the ocean or the pasture grass back home. But music is like food for my soul. It keeps me going, makes the clock tick. I love so many types of music. I love the rhythmic undulations of techno, the quirkyness of indie rock, the power in heavy rock or metal, the melodies and emotion in classical. I really want to learn to play classical piano, but I’ve been lazy. Maybe I just need a teacher. I’m going to try to make it happen at some point, it’s a life goal of mine.

Why is it that those closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most? Sometimes you don’t even realize how much someone’s support means until they rip it away and send you staggering. It just goes to show that sometimes the status quo isn’t a nice balance, but rather a precarious one at the edge of an abyssal cliff. I didn’t realize how low the depths I could fall to, because of such simple words…